VINCENT

I stand on the stage, and I see the cell phones like lighters waved through the air. The luminous sticks in green, pink, and yellow lighting up the faces of the crowd down below at my feet.

We start to sing a new song from our new album and the lighting company lets the spotlight of a bright light sweep over the crowd of faces.

I look across their heads impassively and then with shock, I see Chrissie as the light illuminates her. I immediately recognize her. Her hair is longer now. I see the shape of her eyes, her nose, and her chin. I feel my heart speed up so fast it makes it difficult for me to breathe. In an ocean of people, I am suddenly only aware of her.

It is with great difficulty that I finish the show and when we go backstage, I have this urgent need to go outside because if I did not find her today, I might lose my chance.

George, Simon, and Dennis decide to go to an out of the way bar so we can wind down. The days of going to the places where people may recognize us, where girls will rush closer to us and make offers, we could hardly resist, is long over.

I tell them I will meet them there, and after pulling my hooded jacket over my head to hide my face, I go outside. I avoid lighted areas and then I see her. I see her walking to the gate. I see her walking away from me. I rush to her without drawing any attention to me.

When I get to her, I reach out for her hesitantly, and when my hand circles her arm, I feel my heart stop beating instantly before it starts racing uncontrollably. She turns around, fear edged on her face, and then I see the immediate recognition in her eyes. Her initial shock seems mingled with an intense excitement.

I see her look fleetingly, nervously at Johnathan, but he is almost more excited to see it is me than the most devoted fans.

I ask Chrissie if she would go with me, but Johnathan replies for her. I look at her again and convince her to go with me to the bar where I told Dennis, George, Simon, and I would meet them.

She keeps looking at Johnathan for confirmation, and this makes me feel deeply unhappy and intensely jealous all at the same time.

She agrees and silently, without speaking, we walk along the dark alley. I have so many things I want to say, but I do not know what the situation is between her and Johnathan. Although I have always believed she is the one for me, I do not know if she still feels the same about me. It has been a while. To be exact, it has been one thousand, one hundred and twenty-seven days.

We get to the bar and she automatically slides into the booth next to Johnathan. I do not know if the pain in my stomach is from yearning, jealousy, or resentment towards Johnathan.

I cannot help myself and I cannot stop myself from staring at her. Every time she laughs, every time she says something, my stomach plunges. I realize even although many pretty girls have surrounded me during the past three years, she is the one who would always make me stop and take a second look.

She leans over to Johnathan, and I must suppress feelings of anger, I feel I could explode. She gets up from the booth and then she walks to the back of the bar to the bathroom and I watch her every step. I see Johnathan looking at me inconspicuously, a frown between his eyes, but then I see him dismiss the idea of me, a black person looking at his white girlfriend.

She takes a while, and suddenly, impulsively I stand up and walk to the bathrooms as well. I walk down the shadowy passage just as the door to the ladies’ bathroom swings open and in a bright light; she is standing inches from me.

The door closes behind her and then she sees me. I can hardly see her, but I feel her see me. I feel the sudden tension in her body, and I move closer to her. I reach out to her and then when she reaches up to me, giving me consent with her body language that I can kiss her, I sink my lips onto her lips.

Immeasurable feelings of pleasure course through my body. Although I have suppressed my feelings for her, although memories of her always surfaced in the lyrics of my songs, I loved her. I still love her.

I hear Johnathan’s voice call her name and immediately feel an irrational protectiveness. She is mine, always was and she was always supposed to be only mine.

I feel her body become anxious and I move away from her unwillingly.

When she says she is sorry and she must go back, it hurts me. Her words stab me painfully as a stainless-steel double-edged knife would if plunged deep into my heart.

I walk ahead of her back to the lights of the bar, and then we sit down again in the booth. It is as if nothing happened. It is as if I did not just hold her in my arms, as if I did not feel an immense sense of longing for her only minutes ago, as if I did not feel her hold onto me willingly and eagerly.

I move my leg and I let it rest against hers. I fear she might move her leg away, but she does not make a move. The warmth of her body burns me. I do not join in the conversation around me, and when they get up to leave, I want her to stay desperately, but she leaves with Johnathan.

I sit staring after her, and then Dennis nudges me playfully. “Hey, you still not over that girl.”

I look at him and smile. “Of course, I am. I was just shocked to see her again.”

They laugh, and Simon says, “You cannot fool us.”

I sigh, and decide to tell them, “I thought I would be over her by now, but she is still here.” I knock my fist against my chest. I wish she would leave.

“So, go after her,” George insists.

“I can’t because she is with that asshole, Johnathan.”

“Where were the two of you earlier on? He got very edgy. He stood up in the middle of a sentence and went to call her. It was actually very funny.”

They laugh and I cannot help laughing with them, but not long after, I decide to leave.

Even though it feels as if I can fly tonight, as if I can touch the heavens and I can make a dazzling necklace of the stars, because I saw her again, the pain is real as memories flood back to me.

The next day, I go to the campus and even though I look everywhere for her I do not find her. I ask a few of the students standing around if they know where I can find Chrissie Taylor, but they look at me unknowingly. The campus is so large, and I feel despondent. I only have today to find her before we must leave again. I search without finding her and that evening I get on the private jet to another stage, another city, away from Chrissie.

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